I can’t relax around anybody ever because the only way I can view myself is through other people.

At the same time, I’m very successful in my career and have a very high income for somebody in their early 20’s. But success doesn’t make me more confident. I still feel like a loser every time I open my mouth or trip over my own feet (did I mention that I’m clumsy?).

Ulitmately, I feel so self conscious that besides having a few old friends and the occasional fling, that I’m basically unnable to have social relationships.

However, this failure is complicated by the fact that many people find me to be extremely funny and charming. But that’s only because I work intensely hard at it and at controlling my self-induced speec impediment. I never relax because I feel like I’m putting on a show and compensating for my self-disgust all the time.

What bugs me with a lot of people is when you try to do them a favour by being accurately realistic about the requirements and expectations of a project they get the impression “oh, he isn’t capable of doing it” and go elsewhere… 1-3 years later, the project still isn’t done and they come back to me.

But often they still don’t pick me for the job because when I point out yet again that their budget, time-frame, and expectations don’t add up they get offended because they feel so “confident” about their idea and can’t believe this guy who’s undecided about everything else is absolutely sure their great idea isn’t going to work.

– Not necessarily. When I pretend to be confident I’m perceived as “normal”.