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No Confidence? Fake it.
Published last year, at the end of May under Personal
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One of the greatest career and life lessons I learned in college was one I picked up freshman year from my friend Dave. He’s a guy who projects confidence in any situation, in the face of any intimidating social environment. Awkward introduction? Not for Dave. Anxiety-ridden job interview? Dave wouldn’t even sweat.
This isn’t to say Dave’s abundance of confidence was always a blessing—he rarely relinquished a position in argument and often entered into pissing matches. But to a younger and more timid me, Dave’s seemingly limitless reserve of self-confidence was a quality I deeply envied.
…
When we hang out with our friends, their mannerisms, postures, and other behavior tend to rub off on us—psychologists call this “the chameleon effect”. Just by hanging out with Dave, I began to pick up behaviors such as making eye contact, maintaining taller posture, using hand gestures, and speaking assertively. I still didn’t possess the internal confidence I coveted, but I began acting as if I did. I slowly recognized that my change in behavior affected how others perceived me. My ideas were taken more seriously and others placed more trust in me.
I soon began “faking it”—deliberately acting more confident and self-assured. At first this was un-natural. Acting confident required a lot of conscious thought to think out exactly what to say and how to say it. Internally, I still felt awkward and anxious in high-pressure situations, but I did my best to hide my fear under my newfound confidence armor.
Over time a strange thing happened: I stopped having to make an effort. I began asserting confidence without thinking about it, which had to uncanny effect of boosting my self-esteem. By pretending I was confident I became confident.
Why am I writing this? Because I’ve known too many designers, programmers and artists who possess unbelievable talent, but slip up in job interviews because their speech and physical presence don’t communicate confidence. There’s a natural tendency amongst creative people to self-criticize — a fantastic motivator for improvement — but this can be self-defeating in situations where you must talk about your work. Just put on the façade. Confidence is an amazing social currency, but the secret is: you can be your own mint.
To borrow a line from Jim Coudal: the meek won’t inherit the earth, the creatives will. But we creatives must shed our meekness if we want to break through the limitations we place on ourselves.
Photo by *miQ under Creative Commons
Sound Off!
The song, “I’m the great pretender” comes to mind, reading this post :-)
The danger in faking the confidence can be that just like you said—it feels unnatural to us—to others it give an impression that we’re pretentious, obnoxious, over-confident, cocky type. There’s a fine line to walk.
On the other hand, I do agree with you. Many of us should work on being more confident and recognizing the true value of the skills and talents that we possess.
inspirationbit said:
Totally agree that there is a fine line between confidence and arrogance. I’ve regretfully strayed across that line a few times—just ask my friends :)
I think the key difference between the two is in mindset and communication. Real confidence requires you to believe in your abilities. Arrogance is when you believe you have abilities you really lack. Having confidence means you’re not compelled to talk-up your skills to others — you’re content on the inside. While a sure mark of arrogance is bragging.
One of the big barriers I had to “acting confidently” was exactly what you mentioned: the fear that I would come across arrogant or obnoxious. But the reaction I received was almost the opposite—people are far more receptive of the ideas and personality of a person acting confidently than not. Again, there is definitely a line. But for people like myself four years ago, I wasn’t even close to the line (now might be a different story…)
I think we have to take culture into the equation when it comes to how assertive one should act. I agree with you that people stop and listen to you when you speak with a certain voice and body language.
You could argue that it’s cross culture since if they can’t hear you, they won’t listen to you. But there are different thresholds for different environments. In many other cultures that value being respectful over being confident, you need much less assertiveness. My greatest difficulty when I first started talking up in college classes here was my voice level. I wasn’t used to talking at the volume level that Americans are accustomed to.
If someone walks around Japan talking and acting exactly the way you do here, it will be hard for him/her to get real respect and trust from the Japanese.
But I agree with you that faking confidence is one thing I learned from college that’s far more useful than any algorithm or design principle.
I actually had the same exact experience out of high school. You’re absolutely right, you fake it long enough and you’ll start to internalize it. Part of the problem one faces when trying to display confidence, I think, is a fear that people will see through it. Once you put on that mask long enough you start to realize that people don’t see through it. Sometime after that you begin to realize that they aren’t seeing through it because that confidence is justified; there is nothing to see through. The mask of confidence is a truer image of yourself and your ability than the timidity you instinctively exhibit. With that comes the internal sense of confidence in yourself that part of you always knew you should have in the first place.
Unless of course it’s not, and you’re a conceited asshole – but people do figure that out more often than not, if not immediately then by evidence of your product.
Anyways, follow Rob’s advice, try on the mask and see how it fits, the worst thing that could happen is that it doesn’t work, and then you haven’t lost anything anyway.
Sup Rob,
I remember Dave well. Quite a character and its good to see a post about him. Hope you’re doing well post-graduation!
Dean
That’s the fake it till you make it mindset. Having examples to follow is key here. If you don’t have people you can learn from you should go out and make new friends that have what you can learn from. Picking the right friends is important.
[...] Goodlatte’s post on becoming confident by faking it reminds me of a few things. First, it reminded me of a Peggy Bundy quote from the Fox television [...]
At work, we all attended a public speaking workshop by Alex Marshall a months weeks ago. We all attended (even though we’re all at different levels of public speaking experience), and one of the most powerful things I came away with as a lesson for life, not just public speaking, is your point exactly. If you’re not confident, just pretend to be confident and everybody will think you are!
My problem at the moment is remembering to pretend.
As a musician, faking confidence was something I did in high school many moons ago when auditions for region or all-state band came around. The room was filled with 90 other high school clarinetists who tried to act like nothing could make them nervous and intimidated others with their impressive technique and fast fingers. I am guilty of being one of those people, but you know, it actually worked. By faking that I wasn’t nervous, that nothing COULD make me nervous, I eventually believed I was the best :)
I rather not call it “faking my confidence”; instead, “practicing how to be confident”.
This is a great post. I stumbled upon this blog as one of a “great designs in wordpress” feature. It is a fantastic design and my hat is off to you, but the thing that grabbed me was the headline. I came here and read what you had to say and it is something I have been doing myself for the last few years, but didn’t really know it.
For me it was things like eye contact, firm handshake, walking with confidence etc… when nervous, trying not to say things like “you know” or stumble on words, not being afraid to pause when speaking is another one.
I can relate to the mask idea too, worrying that people will see through it. It’s great when you realise that they can’t. The only risk I see is that it is easy to see it as “endless possibilities”, knowing that you can convince anyone of your prowess in something can get you into trouble LOL.
Great post and great blog! Thanks!
[...] [...]
I used to have this problem, and I still get a little bit shy around hot women I’m attracted too, but through a lot of personal development, I’ve learned that not burdening yourself with anxiety over what people think of you is a much better approach.
There are hundreds of quotes that go something like this:
“Don’t worry what people are thinking about you, because they probably aren’t thinking about you at all”
Its a natural part of the human condition to be ego-centric, we look at everything and evaluate how it relates to us… but most of the time, people don’t even care about you, so you don’t have to feel self-conscious, because tomorrow morning, they’ll have forgotten you.
As for getting jobs, I like to let my talent/intelligence speak for itself, if someone wants an employee with my skills and personality, then I want the job, and they’ll give it to me, on the other hand, if someone will only hire me if I pretend to be someone else… that’s not a job I want.
Do not worry about it.
Life goes on and everybody fine the exact couple at the end.
Great post and great blog! I stumbled upon this blog as one of a “great designs in wordpress” feature. It is a fantastic design and my hat is off to you, but the thing that grabbed me was the headline.
Funny how so many Duke alums are still telling Dave stories even though it’s been years since most of us spoke to him.
If this is directed at me there were one or two interviews where I left feeling I didn’t act confident enough, but it wasn’t one of my bigger problems. In hind sight my biggest issue was selling myself the wrong way. I kept talking about what a quick learner I was while just skimming over my experience. Tech companies expect you to leave so fast they don’t care if you’re a quick learner even if they say they do. It’s all about proving you can contribute in the short run. In other words, I think faking confidence is important, but only if it helps you fake expertise.
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I hate stuff like this. Catering to ignorance (in this case the fallacy that confidence equals skill or wroth) is not the solution. If a company is too stupid to hire the eccentric genius then they don’t deserve the potential profits.
And I’m also damned tired of being told to lie about who I am and what I feel for profit.
How about you kiss my tush, and pretend you like it.
Nice post!
http://www.wecansavedetroit.com
I am happy to see that you learned something from me all those years we were hanging out together!
Pretending does seem like a potent way to dissolve anxiety or, at least, stretch the imagination into lesser known territories.
Americans are as obsessed with confidence as they are obsessed with race.
worry about confidence in society, worry about humbleness in life.
Nice post
Man this post is the funniest ever. You talk about self-criticism and confidence in your post. Self-criticism is an important aspect of life that no one in the world live without except for America it seems. Self-confidence is the ultimate teaching of American education, the parents, the teachers, your boss, the American Dream. Be strong, don’t be a wimp. In the end it’s great, it feels great, almost everyone looks up to you. But faking self-confidence for social situation also kills a lot of the needed softness, emotional understanding required for developing profound relationships. And that over-teaching of self-confidence over listening carefully, respecting others’ opinion by trying to understand it, makes anyone a bully to a different degree for everyone, but when it’s a whole culture that keeps asserting itself like this, you end up with this country fucked up in self-esteem, and bullying everyone else,… and spending millions every year on shrinks that don’t know better because they’re so full of themselves also. But you’ll have to wait until you’re in your 50s to understand why everything went so wrong, why they didn’t get along with their old friends, why they didn’t get along with their wife, why they are so unsatisfied with life.
You’re right that self-confidence is an important tool to move around in this society, to get a job especially, but everywhere else you should boast your humbleness, you should listen to others carefully, and just go away from the bullies… don’t try to be friends with them, there’s no point, avoid them like the plague.
The only reason I have survived in San Francisco is because of the amount of foreigners around the city. Without them I would have left a long time ago, and probably eventually will. But as hard as i’ve tried to create friendships with americans, I only found selfishness, self-interest, never interested in participating in social interaction… one that’s meaningful, and gives you a reason to live.
It’s time to think again about your fake confidence.
Good Comments by Camillo!!
Peoples attitudes are infectious, hang out with fun optimistic people and it will rub off onto you!
nice blog,will try and put it into practice.
nice post
Assume a virtue if you have it not–Shakespeare said it a long time agi. Also, look up the James-Lange theory. Do you really think those loud-mouthed, never-back-down braggadocios are socially more effective than quiet, modest types? I don’t.
Wow! You all think how I thought 30 years ago. Unfortuanately I seem to have forgotten how good pretending to be confident made me feel. Ive gone back to being the wimp!! I have recently started a business and have been finding it very hard to sell my wares verbally, nervous in meetings etc., Thank you for reminding me maybe now I can get back to being confident again. Excellent blog cheers
I have always taught my children this, “Unless someone tells you they do not like you…assume that they do.” A more recent version of saying something similar is,
“It is not my business what you think of me,”by Eckhart Tolle
When we deal with ego, on any level above humility, confidence is a shaky ledge to be on. Practicing to be confident is not being fake, it just requires you to have passion and know what you are speaking about. Practice your “passion” and your “confidence” emerges.
I think this is a great blog with relevant and insightful information that I feel blessed to have run across today. As for those of you that have reduced yourselves to vulgarity, “read a dictionary to expand your vocabulary because the only reason for vulgarity is “lack of vocabulary.”
“You are what you think about.”
You become who you surround yourself with, so surround yourself with good people, and confidence will never be a problem.
Great blog.
Just lift up your chin, pull back your shoulder, stomach in and you are ready to rock and roll. Changing your posture can help to build your self-esteem and confidence by itself.
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Confidence and superficial knowledges and a bit of wit can get you very far.
Balancing humility and confidence is such a messy business.
I really enjoyed this post along with everyone’s comments ^-^
@ #1 “The danger in faking the confidence can be that just like you said—it feels unnatural to us—to others it give an impression that we’re pretentious, obnoxious, over-confident, cocky type.”
– Not necessarily. When I pretend to be confident I’m perceived as “normal”.
And I’ve met more than a few people with all the cocky-ness in the world and not a bit of skill. They are all total characters and it’s very easy to mock their behaviour. Confident and cocky (without any skills) are two completely different things.
What bugs me with a lot of people is when you try to do them a favour by being accurately realistic about the requirements and expectations of a project they get the impression “oh, he isn’t capable of doing it” and go elsewhere… 1-3 years later, the project still isn’t done and they come back to me.
But often they still don’t pick me for the job because when I point out yet again that their budget, time-frame, and expectations don’t add up they get offended because they feel so “confident” about their idea and can’t believe this guy who’s undecided about everything else is absolutely sure their great idea isn’t going to work.
The idea that you can become confident by acting confident is all well and good, but what if you are at the opposite end of the spectrum? I have so little confidence in myself that I actually developed a speech impediment in my late teens, that I can’t shake. I’ve had it for fou years now and I’ll probably never be able to get rid of it.
I can’t relax around anybody ever because the only way I can view myself is through other people.
At the same time, I’m very successful in my career and have a very high income for somebody in their early 20’s. But success doesn’t make me more confident. I still feel like a loser every time I open my mouth or trip over my own feet (did I mention that I’m clumsy?).
Ulitmately, I feel so self conscious that besides having a few old friends and the occasional fling, that I’m basically unnable to have social relationships.
However, this failure is complicated by the fact that many people find me to be extremely funny and charming. But that’s only because I work intensely hard at it and at controlling my self-induced speec impediment. I never relax because I feel like I’m putting on a show and compensating for my self-disgust all the time.
And, ironically, the longer I know somebody, the less confident I am around them. When I first meet a cute girl I have very little trouble being funny, charming, and interesting. However, the longer I know a person the more pressure I feel to maintain the image of who I was. That’s why I have no trouble meeting girls or having short-term relationships, but I have NEVER had a long-term one.